Tooele carnivore faces cruelty charges

Apparently the Tooele city attorney charged a man with a crime for eating a rat. It was a baby rat—eyes still closed, pink and hairless.

It was shocking news, because I realized that I have possibly committed numerous heinous crimes as well. Just this week I ate pigs, cows, chickens (mature and embryonic) and fishes.

It must have been the manner in which the man consumed his meal that authorities found offensive. He recorded himself as he swallowed the rat whole and then posted the scene on the Internet. That netted him an animal cruelty charge.

I never film myself eating animals and I pay a professional animal assassin to kill them for me first. Once they are dead, I sear their flesh on an open fire or a toss it in a hot pan. Instead of chomping them whole, I hack them into small chunks with a knife. Then I devour them bit by bit.

So far I’ve never been caught or prosecuted. Then again, I never realized what I was doing was a crime. Obviously eating a rat shows questionable judgment, but it is hard to imagine that it is criminally dumb.

My oldest son once ate a mouse’s tail on a dare by co-workers who offered him $50 for the feat. I told him he was stupid for doing that. I’m sure he could have easily bid them up to at least $100.

I served a mission in Iceland and the people there eat sheep heads and rotten shark infused with urine. I’m not kidding and there are many Internet videos of people eating both. That should be illegal.

The accused man faces a Class A misdemeanor and could be fined or even jailed if convicted.

Of course if he is convicted, it makes things easier for the Tooele police. Instead of chasing burglars and drug dealers, they can stake out the meat section of the local supermarkets.

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