I mowed my lawn for the first time this year. In the midst of walking mindless rectangles while mutilating helpless plants for purely aesthetic purposes, I had an epiphany that could resolve the health care crisis.
Before I explain my idea, I want to formally protest the fact that the first mowing of the year came during a week when I also had to brush the snow off my windshield. That seems wrong and I blame Al Gore.
While I am generally a political conservative, I do not necessarily have a problem with a health care system that is based on Marxist principles. Perhaps like most people, I simply don’t believe our government can be trusted to effectively manage health care. The two things I already worry about more than anything else are health and money. With the recently passed health care plan, I’m afraid the government might further mess up both.
I find mowing my lawn to be drudgery. It’s not a particularly difficult task, yet I would rather devote that time to more productive or enjoyable pursuits. So, here is my solution:
It is my understanding that much of the health care legislation won’t actually take effect for several years. In the meantime, I propose that we have a government lawn care program.
I am not asking for anything as complicated as weeding gardens, pruning trees, or maintaining flower beds. I’ll limit it to cutting everyone’s grass once a week, trimming, and applying fertilizer.
Lawn care is not something that is vitally critical to our well being. And it isn’t brain surgery. If the government can effectively run a nationwide lawn care service for three years, then I might be willing to give it a limited trial run with health care.
I can already imagine some of the protests.
“Wait a minute. I hate my lazy neighbor and his yard is 10 times the size of mine. It isn’t fair that some of my tax money should help pay for his lawn care.”
If you think funding your neighbor’s lawn maintenance is distasteful, imagine how you’ll feel when your money pays for a heart transplant that adds years to his life.
Others might be concerned about the logistics of a nationwide lawn care system. How will the government find enough people to do the actual mowing? Apparently the IRS will be hiring several thousand new agents. How about starting with them?
And with nationwide unemployment at about 17% (I use the Bureau of Labor Statistics U6 number rather than the more palatable U3 number the government likes to promote) it should be easy to find out of work people willing to mow lawns. Perhaps they can use the Postal Service employees who will soon find themselves available on Saturdays.
There is, however, a major flaw in this proposal. When it comes right down to it, I don’t really believe that I could trust the government to do a decent job of cutting my lawn on a weekly basis.